"HIGHWAY SAFETY TIPS"

1. All concrete curbs should be painted bright yellow within 100 feet of an intersection, because it helps motorists under snowy and poor visibility weather conditions to identify the edge of the sidewalk, whereon pedestrians are standing.

2. All raised vertical concrete barriers which are used to separate lines of traffic along expressways and freeways, should be painted bright yellow, ... and fluorescent reflectors should be placed on top of the concrete barriers, ... because the concrete barriers are difficult for tired transport and other drivers to distinguish under snowy and poor visibility driving conditions.

3. All bedashed dividing lines which are used to separate lanes of traffic along expressways and highways should be painted with fluorescent bright reflective paint. Also along freeways there should be tiny little reflectors placed into the asphalt to illuminate the traffic lanes, because during heavy rainstorms as well as under snowy and icy roadway conditions, ... it is very difficult for drivers to distinguish the edge of the traffic lanes.

4. Colour TV’s should be prohibited from the middle of automobile steeringwheels, because they positively cause serious accidents if the driver is watching an interesting movie while driving down the highway.

5. The 13 inch spare-wheel which comes as standard equipment with new automobiles, should be replaced with a regular full-size wheel, ... because one small wheel combined with 3 large wheels is bad carma.

6. Any motorist when stopped by a police officer, who is unable to provide genuine proof of his identity, valid driver's license, ownership and vehicle insurance, ... should be forced into the police station and forced to provide true factual evidence that he really is who he says he is. This is particularly true when the driver insists that he forgot his Driver's License before he got into the vehicle (but he's a really nice guy, in spite of that). The Driver should be photographed and finger-printed, for I.D. purposes.

7. Any traffic island between arteries of motorized vehicular traffic, where pedestrians stand waiting under intersection lights and at crosswalks, ... sometimes in the middle of the street, ... should be protected by bright yellow steel guardrails, or else shielded by 2 feet high concrete barriers painted bright yellow capable of stopping a highspeed motorized vehicle knocking them off the traffic island in busy intersections, as well as in the middle of the night when so many hoodlums are stoned on crack-cocaine, and there are no witnesses in sight of the accident.

8. Steel guards should be placed onto motorcycle handlebars, capable of protecting the motorcyclist's fingers and hands, when forced to lay the bike down onto its side during highspeed accidents. Otherwise, the fingers and hands can be ground against the asphalt and the motorcyclist can have very serious hand injuries.

9. Mobile telephones should be prohibited from usage by automobile drivers when the motorized vehicle is in operation, otherwise telephone conversations will provide severe distraction resulting in serious accidents.

10. Anyone fat screaming his head off while breaking every law of the highway trying to distract the driver and by so doing cause a serious accident should be shot through the head at point blank range with a 45 calibre semi-automatic.

"DOMESTIC SAFETY TIPS"

11. Mix-Masters should be carefully redesigned so as to prohibit human hands from approaching the rotors, ... while the plug is fastened into an electrical outlet. Otherwise, the fingers can be ripped right off the human hand, if the operator of the Mix-Master especially in the case of a child or a tired or inebriated person, being distracted for an instant, accidentally flips or turns on the wrong switch, ... with his or her fingers in the rotors.

12. All manual knife-sharpeners should be carefully designed so that the fingers and hands do not contact the blade of a knife being sharpened. I've seen some doozies where the fingers can be sliced right off, especially by a tired, or inebriated old person, ... or even worse, by an unsuspecting inexperienced child.

13. Pesticide aerosols which function like bathroom aerosol deodorizers, should not be sprayed high into the air indoors, because the aerosol mist descending on everything within the house or apartment will kill anything alive on the premises, ... especially over a prolonged time-range resulting from terminal cancer.

14. Playful Housecats and burning coal-oil lanterns, are an easy foolproof way to collect Fire Insurance, ... for anyone living in a dump looking for a new house, ... if the property is insured beforehand to the hilt, ... but in strip-housing and townhouse developments, an entire housing-strip consisting of hundreds of buildings joined together can go up in flames all at the same time, resulting from this sort of playful Feline hanky-panky. A Cat left unattended on the vacant premises beside a burning coal-oil lantern on the kitchen table in an empty townhouse or apartment, ... can set the whole world on fire, ... and bylaws prohibiting 'CATS MIXED WITH COAL-OIL LANTERNS ON THE SAME PREMISES' should be enforced in every community.

15. I've seen some beautiful parks at night, very romantic indeed. However, each time I looked into the serene darkness of peaceful unlit roadways, sidewalks, bridges and paths, ... it made me think not only of beautiful white swans in a pond, but of dying in a cemetery, so I turned my Raleigh around and fled to safety. But you know, ... I never ceased to marvel how anyone could be so stupid as to leave the parks in the dark, unalighted without any streetlamps to prevent crime. I'm personally smart enough not to go in there, ... but unfortunately some people aren't as cautious as I am. Every roadway, sidewalk, bridge and path, ... should be lighted up brightly with streetlamps, to prevent murders and serious crimes. I would also like to suggest that 'EMERGENCY PHONES' be installed, at least one in every public park, ... just in case some assault victim might like to place a 911-phonecall to POLICE. It's always nice to have a chance to call-out, before dying like 'Tim McLean' at the end of Vincent Gagweing Lei's buck-knife.

16. Personally, I'd like to see Bicycle Safety Lanes not only within City Limits of every municipality, but extending from City to City as well. There's nothing I hate more than getting killed, splattered all over the roadway while coasting along enjoying fresh air and the sheer thrill of aerobic exercise.

     I believe that ideally, Bicycle Lanes should be made of either asphalt or concrete, and placed along a grassy boulevard between the concrete curb and nearby sidewalk, usually running parallel to the curb. Even if a municipality doesn't want to invest absorbitant amounts of money installing asphalt/concrete Bicycle Lanes, a cheap dirt Bicycle Path is still better than your human body crushed with blood squishing out, under the wheels of a rushing City Bus scraping within 18 inches of the concrete curb. I marvelled how close I came to death many a time more oft than not, if I hadn't been riding on the sidewalk illegally, ... smeared all over the asphalt by a highspeed automotive murderer. I just couldn't believe I was dead, if I hadn't been on the sidewalk.

     Now as regards intercity Bicycle Lanes running between communities, ... the Bicycle Lanes should be placed parallel to the main highways themselves, but well off to the side where motorists can't send Bicyclists flying during hit and run murders, ... then sailing off carefree afterward, with a corpse bleeding behind them on the ground.

     Pavement Markings don't mean anything, to drivers who don't care about the law, ... but 'Protected Bicycle Safety Lanes' save human lives.

I'd like to add to this list of 'SAFETY TIPS', but for now I'll just leave it at this.

                                                                                                                       Yours Truly,

                                                                                                                       Errol Lee Shepherd